"OK scum, it is I, ODERUS URUNGUS, overlord of Toilet Earth and lead singer of the most dangerous band on this or any other planet--GWAR! Here to give you a quick update/review on the upcoming events and disasters that are set to plague this planet in the wake of GWAR's latest assault upon your sense and sensibility!
First off, it's DONE! "BEYOND HELL" our latest and greatest studio release to date, is mixed and mastered and ready to drop on your heads! Produced by the amazing Devin Townsend, I can say with utmost confidence that this one is going to take yer fucking head off!"
GWAR's Internet Stronghold
Website of Oderus Urungus
"Dear, Dr. Fong,
My wife and I just moved into a new house in Massachusetts. Recenly, we have been hearing noises coming from the basement of our old farmhouse. We need your help doctor. We would like to set up a webcam feeding to this blog so that readers here will be able to help us watch for ghosts 24 hours a day. Please help us out.
Mr. & Mrs. Kincade"
The seven Deep-Ones caught earlier today have some pretty interesting things to say about the motivations behind their crimes. They are claiming that they were being forced to do such horrible things by Cthulhu, a terrible and ancient god of the Deep-Ones.
One Deep-One croaked, "It isn't our fault. We didn't want all those people sacrificed. It was Cthulhu! Why should we be exterminated for something we were forced to do? We are slaves to his will!"
In a shocking new document discovered today, the Esoteric Order of Dagon (EOD) has condemned research being done by our very own Osiris and vowed revenge.
"We of the Order have worked very hard to please the Deep-Ones, going so far as offering the wombs of our women to carry their fishy offspring. He publicly admits to killing one Deep-One and holding two more in custody. He seems to be working on some sort of poison to use against the Deep-Ones. We cannot allow his research to continue."
"We don't know very much about the man calling himself "Osiris", but we believe he may be operating out of somewhere on the eastern coast of the United States as this is where the Deep-Ones reported the disappearance of three of their kind early yesturday."
"Despite not knowing much about him, we of the Order have vowed to not rest until Osiris is dead and his research has been destroyed. This is a call to all EOD members around the world: KILL OSIRIS! He must be stopped at any cost!"
The Deep-Ones are a race of undersea dwelling humanoids that can surface for weeks at a time. They worship, the undersea Gods, Dagon and Cthulhu and inhabit the underwater city Y'ha-nthlei.
They convert humans into Deep-Ones by "Sexual-Spore Spawning" perpetrated against the young. The transformation usually occurs when the individual reaches middle age. As the hybrid gets older, he or she begins to take on more and more attributes of the Deep-One race: The ears shrink, the eyes bulge and become unblinking, the head narrows and gradually goes bald, the skin becomes scabrous as it changes into scales, and the neck develops folds which later become gills. When the hybrid becomes too obviously non-human, it is hidden away from outsiders.
People who are unfortunate enough to travel in the area where the Deep-Ones frequent are usually eaten alive and remaining body parts used as fertilizer for the Deep-One Kelp Forests.
Those who live near the oceans of the world are at the greatest risk of attack. I am working tirelessly night and day to engineer a virus or organism that can destroy the Deep-One menace.
We at Dr. Fong's House of Mystery will keep you apprised of the situation as it progresses.
"It began with huge rips from an interestingly colored pipe. My next thought was "my God, I've been poisoned! They are trying to kill me." Then, even that was gone as my world exploded into thousands of pieces of bejeweled insanity."
"I would say that my body was being torn to pieces, but there was no "I" left to have a body. There was only what was happening and words fail to describe it properly."
"Then the visions came. Strange wraith-like entities swooping and howling from all directions. It was like these things were trying to tell me something, but by the time I tried to listen they had already flown past. By the next swoop, I had forgotten that I had been trying to understand them until it was gone. This happened many times."
Salvia Divinorum Vaults
WORLD NEWS EXCLUSIVE: ONLY REPORTED ON DR. FONG'S HOUSE OF MYSTERIES!
Many months ago we at Dr. Fongs House of Mysteries reported to you the danger of the hideous Reptile-Humanoid. Some of you accepted the fact, many thought us to be insane. Regardless of what you thought, the Reptile-Humanoid threat has been eliminated.
This public service of terminating the creatures hell-bent on Human Genocide was accomplished slightly ahead of schedule and worked out as near to perfect as could be expected.
The horrendous Reptile-Humanoids were destroyed by a Genetically Engineered Virus that attacked certain portions of their DNA. This resulted in a fairly quick yet painful death, followed by the Reptile-Humanoids dissolving into a thick, green sludge.
That is the good news. We have have uncovered a new threat to humanity, one that I am positive I can overcome for the sake of humanity, but it may take a little time and I'm afraid that human lives will be lost in the meantime.
THE THREAT OF THE DEEP-ONES:
The clear and present danger to humanity now are the Deep-Ones. They are rising from the depths of our oceans at an alarming rate to eat the flesh of the human population. I have obtained several specimens for further study and I am confident that I will be able to manufacture a virus to destroy their kind as well.
More information as it becomes available.
"Michelle O'Donnell of Turner, Maine spotted the unidentified animal near her yard about a week before it was killed near power lines along Route 4 on Saturday. She called it a "hybrid mutant of something."
"It was evil, evil looking. And it had a horrible stench I will never forget," she told the Sun Journal of Lewiston. "We locked eyes for a few seconds and then it took off. I've lived in Maine my whole life and I've never seen anything like it."
"For the past 15 years, residents across Androscoggin County have reported seeing and hearing a mysterious animal with chilling monstrous cries and eyes that glow in the night."
"It was charcoal gray, weighed between 40 and 50 pounds and had a bushy tail, a short snout, short ears and curled fangs hanging over its lips, he said. It looked like "something out of a Stephen King story."
"The animal has been blamed for attacking and killing a Doberman pinscher and a Rottweiler the past couple of years."
Link to the original article
"We at Dr. Fong's House of Mysteries are currently seeking the following volumes either whole or in part:
Book of Eibon
Book of Iod
translations from the Celaeno Fragments
Cultes des Goules
De Vermis Mysteriis
translations from the Eltdown Shards
translations from the G'harne Fragments
On the Sending Out of the Soul
the Ponape Scripture
Revelations of Glaaki
Seven Cryptical Books of Hsan
Testament of Carnamagos
an acurate Zanthu Tablets translation.
We are willing to offer substantial sums for their procurement.
Please respond in the comments section or by email."
"Incredible video of a 1940's russian lab where a dogs head has been chopped off and kept alive by a strange and arcane device."
"The head responds like a normal dog (tongue moves out, blinks - but no barking because it has no lungs)! No body! Jump to 5:35 for the head part."
"They worshipped the Great Old Ones who lived ages before there were any men, and who came to the young world out of the sky. Those Old Ones were gone now, inside the earth and under the sea; but their dead bodies had told their secrets in dreams to the first men, who formed a cult which had never died."
"This cult always existed and always would exist, hidden in distant wastes and dark places all over the world until the time when the great priest Cthulhu, from his dark house in the mighty city of R'lyeh under the waters, should rise and bring the earth again beneath his sway. Some day he would call, when the stars were ready, and the secret cult would always be waiting to liberate him."
" The statuette, idol, fetish, or whatever it was, had been captured some months before in the wooded swamps south of New Orleans during a raid on a supposed voodoo meeting; and so singular and hideous were the rites connected with it, that the police could not but realise that they had stumbled on a dark cult totally unknown to them, and infinitely more diabolic than even the blackest of the African voodoo circles."
"The figure represented a monster of vaguely anthropoid outline, but with an octopus-like head whose face was a mass of feelers, a scaly, rubbery-looking body, prodigious claws on hind and fore feet, and long, narrow wings behind. This thing, which seemed instinct with a fearsome and unnatural malignancy, was of a somewhat bloated corpulence, and squatted evilly on a rectangular block or pedestal."
"Filthy spammers came through a few months ago and decimated the comments sections of this blog. In a rage I turned off all the comments in order to stop them spreading their filthy lies about larger erections and cheap pain pills."
"Well, it was a mistake because without your user input I didn't care about the blog anymore and it almost died. Comments are now back and we shouldn't have anymore filthy spam problems."
"Don't worry if your comment doesn't show up after you submit it. All comments are being screened now to prevent spam. Let us know what you think! You are the reason we continue this blog."
Labels: Site News
Look to the sky, way up on high
There in the night stars are now right.
Eons have passed: now then at last
Prison walls break, Old Ones awake!
They will return: mankind will learn
New kinds of fear when they are here.
They will reclaim all in their name;
Hopes turn to black when they come back.
Ignorant fools, mankind now rules
Where they ruled then: it's theirs again
Stars brightly burning, boiling and churning
Bode a returning season of doom
Scary scary scary scary solstice
Very very very scary solstice
Up from the sea, from underground
Down from the sky, they're all around
They will return: mankind will learn
New kinds of fear when they are here
It's beginning to look a lot like fish-men
Everywhere I go;
From the minute I got to town
And started to look around
I thought these ill-bred people's gillslits showed.
I'm beginning to hear a lot of fish-men
Right outside my door,
As I try to escape in fright
To the moonlit Innsmouth night
I can hear some more.
They speak with guttural croaks and to hear them provokes
A profound desire to flee
Their eyes never blink and quite frankly they stink
Like a carcass washed up from the sea.
I wish I'd paid attention to that crazy drunken man.
He tried to warn me all about old Marsh's Deep One clan.
It's beginning to look a lot like Fish-men
Everywhere I go;
They can dynamite Devil Reef,
but that'll bring no relief,
Y'ha N'thlei is deeper than they know.
I'll continue to see a lot of fish-men
That I guarantee.
For the fish-man I really fear
is the one who's in the mirror
And he looks like me.
He looks just like me.